There's so many different worlds

So many different suns

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Now I lay me down to sleep
Blind Man's Bluff
Now I lay me down to sleep
If Cougar was on the outside looking in, if Jensen was his friend, not just his, Cougar would rip the lungs out of anyone who treated him even half as bad.
Violence, disturbing imagery, Jensen's fashion choices.

Sleeping with Jensen was a mistake.

Fucking him was different. Fucking and sleeping were two completely separate things; the first born of the fact that Jensen was his, wholly and completely, and that included his ass. The fucking wasn’t so much of an issue. Jensen was decidedly easier to deal with when Cougar rode him hard and put him away wet.

It was the sleeping that cased them problems.

The sleeping was due to Cougar’s need to have Jensen there, with him, at all fucking times. Fuck knew Jensen got himself into trouble when he wasn’t attached to Cougar’s hip – and even then he usually gave it a fair attempt – and Cougar had already accepted the fact that he would kill, torture, die for Jensen. Not because Jensen was his teammate, but because…well, just because.

So when Jensen was wrapped around him like an affection starved koala, Cougar was as close to content as he’d ever likely be.

Then they slept.

And things got fucked up.

Cougar’s nightmares tended to vary between the horrifying and the soul destroying.

He would never admit, never in a lifetime of fucking years, that sometimes he woke up and it was only the warm, gentle look in Jensen’s eyes – blue like the sky – that stopped Cougar from screaming, crying, tearing the world apart piece by piece.

Sometimes he did cry, and Jensen would snuggle up behind him – like Cougar was a motherfucking stuffed animal – arms around his waist, and go talk him through every fucking element in the Periodic Table. As if Cougar gave a flying fuck about inert gasses.

Then there were the times Cougar came up swinging.

In the space of three months, he hit Jensen twice in the jaw and once broke his nose.

Jensen’s reaction was usually to spit out blood and grin. He’d tease Cougar – say it was one of the perks of sleeping with a bad-ass dude with a hat obsession – then bounce off to annoy Roque.

Cougar expected Clay to talk to him about it, but it seemed Clay took his cues from Jensen, not Cougar. So long as Jensen’s eyes remained free of shadows, Clay said nothing.

That made Cougar pissed. Hadn’t they already established that Jensen had no fucking clue about these things? That he looked for the good things in Cougar, and completely ignored the fact that Cougar was an asshole to him; barely spoke to him; didn’t go out of his way to make Jensen happy; fucked him hard, not gentle; made him bleed.

If Cougar was on the outside looking in, if Jensen was his friend, not just his, Cougar would rip the lungs out of anyone who treated him even half as bad.

Once he woke up to the agonizing pain of someone digging their thumb into the pressure point in his elbow.

His eyes snapped open and he realized if he tightened his grip any more, he’d snap Jensen’s neck like a dry twig.

He made it to the bathroom in time to throw up, the sound of Jensen hacking and trying to draw air into his bruised throat the perfect backing vocals to Cougar trying to puke up a lung.

Pooch was the one who hit him for that.

Cougar wasn’t all that surprised.

Cougar had nearly killed Jensen.

Clay couldn’t let that pass over untouched.

Only he did, and Cougar didn’t know why.

He was so distracted waiting for someone – anyone – to tell him how much he was fucking up Jensen’s life that he managed to do something he’d never done before:

He got himself caught.

Fortunately for him, his captors weren’t the sharpest pencils in the box. Their idea of interrogation was to hit and hit and keep going until something cracked, be it your sanity, or your skull.

Fuck, even Jensen had far more effective ways of breaking Cougar down.

Unfortunately for him, they’d strung him up in a meat locker: Cougar really didn’t do well in the cold.

Ironically though, it did numb some of the pain.


After three hours, he realized he'd lost his hat, and somehow that hurt more than the torture.

Half a dozen broken ribs, several bust fingers, a black eye, fractured jaw and two dislocated shoulders later, Jensen broke through the door and killed every last one of them with a bowie knife and a really pissed expression.

Cougar had never seen anything so beautiful in his life.

“You’re going to stay fucking still and goddamn listen to me, motherfucker.” Jensen said after checking Cougar wasn’t in any imminent danger of bleeding to death.

It really fucking hurt, but Cougar just about managed to raise a mocking eyebrow. He was hanging from his wrists in a fucking freezer. Wasn’t as if he was going anywhere.

“Yes.” Jensen coughed. “Right. Anyway, listening: you’re listening now, understood?”

Since Cougar had never seen Jensen like that before, he guessed it was safer to nod than to tell Jensen to cut him the fuck down.

“Good.” And then Jensen jumped straight into it. “You’re a fucking idiot. You know how I know that? You know why I am more than fucking qualified to judge stupidity when I see it? Because when my file says I am a genius, it means I am a motherfucking genius. Not smart, not intelligent. Genius! It’s an important distinction. So as the resident fucking genius, I can say without any fucking question that you are fucking stupid and I am going to cut you down now. You can sit and thaw out your motherfucking toes and think about your stupid. And while you are thinking about it, you can also think about the fact that if you weren’t such a fucking asshole, you’d get to fight off the hypothermia with someone decidedly more snuggly than Roque. That’s what being an stupid asshole gets you: a Roque teddy. So fuck you.”

Even for Jensen, it was an impressively colorful rant.

Jensen cut him down, dragged him out, and threw him at Roque, who it turned out really wasn’t the snuggly type.

When the feeling came back to his limbs, Cougar was in a world of misery. It wasn’t helped by the fucking hideous shirt Jensen was wearing: bright yellow with a purple bird on it. Even Cougar knew enough about fashion to know the colors clashed like fuck.

Jensen brought him water and made him drink. “You’re still a fucking idiot, and I am still pissed at you.” When he was done with the water, he checked Cougar’s bandages with brusque indifference.

Lo siento.”

Jensen paused but didn’t look up. “Do you even know why I am pissed?”

Cougar couldn’t answer that.

He was afraid of what Jensen might say.

Clay finally made his move.

“He’d be good for you, if you let him.” Was all the colonel said.

Cougar wanted to ask what the fuck had happened to DADT, but he guessed that if they were beyond the touch of the average military red tape, it wasn’t such a huge issue.

Jensen found him a hat to replace the one Cougar had lost. Big, brown, leather. Fucking cowboy hat, like Cougar was some Hollywood cliché.

“Still pissed.” Jensen reminded him. “But you look fucking weird without a hat.”

“He’s not as stupid as he lets us think he is, you know.” Pooch was a better babysitter than Jensen, Clay and Roque combined. He was patient, for one, and not usually prone to making Cougar’s head hurt more.


Cougar clicked his tongue. He happened to disagree. Genius thing aside, Jensen was fucking stupid.

Why else would he put up with Cougar?

“He’s really not. You are though. You’re an idiot. A fucking psychotic idiot, but yeah.”

So Cougar had been told.

Cougar never had a problem getting people into his bed.

Keeping them there, that was something he’d never even tried.

Cougar didn’t even know Jensen had nightmares of his own until he woke up one night screaming so loud that when Clay came running, he kicked the door completely off its hinges.

When Cougar pulled Jensen over from the couch into his bed, Jensen sighed tiredly and shoved at his boxers like he expected Cougar to roll him over and fuck him. Cougar caught his wrist, felt like shit, and shook his head. “Don’t. Just sleep.” And then, because Jensen looked so fucking young, he added, “You’re safe.”

Jensen's shirt

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God, I spent hours looking for a scary enough shirt. I don't know where the props department found all of theirs!

Thank you for reading!

I really like this. They're flawed and Cougar's an asshole but it's real. This is how he deals with being in love and being in denial about that love. He keeps underestimating Jensen(which I think is Jensen's superpower)not realized Jensen wants him anyway he can get him.

The sleep scenes with Cougar hitting him and choking him. I remember reading some book about soldiers like these. You do not sneak up on them and you do not wake them from a sound sleep while standing close because either situation can end with you dead.

Jensen rescuing Cougar and showing his badass side. Loved it. Loved Clay kicking down doors. I can see that so clearly.

Definite thumbs up and I'm off to read this again and pick out my fave parts.

Jensen does have a superpower, you are right! He is very sneaky that way.

Waking a soldier who is accustomed to 'sleeping with one eye open' is a pretty dangerous thing to do, whether they have PTSD or not. Same can be said for sneaking around. I have been known to land a few punches without even thinking about it when I have been startled. It is purely instinctual. Cougar would never willingly hurt Jensen, and while his subconscious is aware of the fact that he isn't a threat, it's impossible for him to temper his reactions because they are what keep him alive. It's a catch 22 for them.

All the boys are badass, which is why they are so much fun. I do admit to having a soft spot for a little badass Jensen :D

Thank you so much for reading, and I am so glad it worked for you.

This is awesome. I loved Jensen's rant :)

Thank you! I think Jensen deserved a nice little rant!

wow that is an ugly shirt.

poor Cougar. i really identified with him. me and my sister had traumatic childhoods and we both have a tendency to come up swinging when woken up. you handled it really well.

also "Because when my file says I am a genius, it means I am a motherfucking genius. Not smart, not intelligent. Genius! It’s an important distinction" might be the most awesome speech ever.

I know! It is horrible!

I am glad I managed to present the nightmares realistically. Thank you very much for reading.

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Great follow-up story! Cougar hurting Jensen in his nightmares = delicious guilt. And I love it when he's forced to apologize after Jensen basically tells him how it is.

Jensen knows the score. Cougar's just a little late into the game. He'll get there. Thank you for reading!

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God, isn't it? It took me forever to find one that was suitably freakish.

Thanks so much for reading!

I kinda like that shirt. It's so messed up it's awesome. XDD

I love your take on their relationship. ^_^ It's just so damn messed up.

Isn't it awful!!

Thank you so much. Messed up boys are just too fun to write!

absolutely loved this!

This fic is proof that wishes do come true. I wished for more, and boom! Here it is: fabulous and hurty and and fucked up and so spot on with the characterization that it's not even funny. It just plain works for me.

And this? "And while you are thinking about it, you can also think about the fact that if you weren’t such a fucking asshole, you’d get to fight off the hypothermia with someone decidedly more snuggly than Roque. That’s what being an stupid asshole gets you: a Roque teddy. So fuck you.”


Thank you so much for reading. I'm always worried they are TOO fucked up to be enjoyed, so I am glad it worked!

God, this is great. I love your Cougar pov :)

Thank you! I have a little too much fun poking around in Cougar's head. It is mean of me!

OH nom nom nom. I need more of this like burning. It's so dark, but realistic. I love the format, I love the characterization, I love the entire package.


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Seriously, Cougar is a fucking idiot sometimes. But we have to love him for it, yeah?
I loved the tables turning so that Jensen actually got it but Cougar had to see it to understand it. Colorful language and great description.

He is, he really is. It's a cute idiocy though, you are right.
Glad you enjoyed. Thanks for reading.

This.... is probably one of the best, THE BEST, fic written from Cougar's POV. I absolutely adore the way you make this real and not just mindless fluff and sex, cos they are still soldiers and they have to deal with major shit. You should really write one from Jensen's POV, I know it'll rock just as much. <3

Gosh, thank you! I am really so glad you enjoyed it.
They've never struck me as the fluffy kind - though I am sure any attempts at honest wooing would be rather hysterical! Glad this worked for you!
I'm a little uncertain as to if I could do Jensen justice. I'll try work up the nerve!


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