There's so many different worlds

So many different suns

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Better dead
Title: Better dead
Pairing: Cougar/Jensen
Rating: R
Summary:They all did their own thing during downtime: this time, Cougar stalked his boyfriend.
Disclaimer: Not mine, borrowed!
Warnings: Violence, strong language & disturbing imagery. Non-graphic allusions to rape.
Notes: Can be seen to follow His, Now I lay me down to sleep and Useful. This one is dark.

What they did on their own time was up to them.

Pooch went – unusually reluctantly – back to Jolene.

Clay and Roque went to New York to do whatever the fuck Clay and Roque usually did in the Big Apple.

Cougar stalked his boyfriend.

He resented both words: 'stalked' and 'boyfriend'. He was following Jensen for his own fucking good, and the kid was not his mother fucking ‘boyfriend’.

It was just that after three days of trying to think up better words to exchange them with, Cougar still came up blank.

Jensen was pissed. To be fair, Cougar couldn’t really blame him.

He’d not exactly been subtle with his reasons for following Jensen north. Jensen didn’t take the suggestion that he needed Cougar’s protection with anything but the anger that was expected.

On the flight up, Jensen swallowed his blue sleeping pill and snored furiously in Cougar’s ear.

“We don't need a sniper.” As he’d expected, Wade and 7th Group were the team waiting to pick Jensen up at the hanger. Ale, their sniper, crossed his arms over his chest and flashed Cougar a smug smirk.

Cougar responded by shooting the fucker in the leg. Bye bye kneecap; bye bye military career.

“You do now.”

Jensen stared at him in horror.

“Yes,” Wade said flatly. “Guess we do.”

They flew out to Sierra Leone and it became pretty obvious why they needed Jensen.

Cougar covered his back while he spent fifteen hours underground, hooked up to a computer terminal twenty feet above his head.

When he came up, he looked and smelled like death. He seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. Cougar touched his hand, the skin covered with dirt, clammy, trembling and shell-shocked. Jensen had never enjoyed spending time in a confined space.

If they’d been home, with Pooch and Clay and Roque – with family – Cougar might have wrapped an arm around his shoulder and let him lean into the comfort. Instead he had to watch as Wade and 7th moved into operation and they all got swept up in the action.

It had always been second nature to just assume that if some technological feat could be imagined, then Jensen could just do it. Like magic.

After a week of jumping through the hoops Wade set for him, Jensen started to look like death warmed up. Everything he made look so easy, so effortless – things that made Cougar’s mind fucking boggle – were made more challenging by hostile conditions and an OC that didn’t understand him.

Cougar didn’t think Wade’s interest in Jensen was anything but intellectual – he didn’t think Wade wanted to fuck him – but even after two weeks, he couldn’t be sure.

After three, they mounted a final assault on their target. Cougar killed twenty-two people – each one a clean shot – and things still went to Hell in a handbasket.

Black was the first to die.

They took Grant, Jensen and Cougar alive, though Cougar was proficient enough in self-assessment to know that his own status was pretty touch and go.

To be fair, the bullets, both of them, were clean through and through. Slap a couple of Band-Aids on him and he’d be good as new. Cougar said so as Jensen was dragged – quite literally kicking and screaming – from his side.

They kicked Cougar in the face to stop him following.

Fuckers broke his jaw.

Cougar didn’t speak very often, but he liked having the option to tell a motherfucker to die a fiery death.

Then they took his hat.

They’d tried to limit his interaction with the outside world by blacking out the windows of the corrugated oven they locked him on. They couldn’t block out the sliver of light that showed through the missing divots in the walls, though. Cougar counted two days before they gave him water. Four before he got food.

The hours in between were punctured by demands made in broken English, and enough pain to make him hate his own mother for bringing him into the world.

After six days, he started hating Jensen for making him want to stay in it.

They brought a body into the room on day eight. He’d been tortured half to hell, and Cougar could only see out of one eye.

For a second he thought it was Jensen.

When they kicked him over, he saw it was Grant.

The relief was overshadowed by the knowledge that Jensen was still alive, still going through every horror he was.

They left Grant on the floor by his feet, and when the door slammed closed, Cougar broke down and cried.

It might have been day twelve, or maybe thirteen when they stopped bringing in a medic to change the bandages on the bullet wounds.

Apparently he’d live.

Days fourteen through twenty were exactly the same as the ones before.

Day twenty-one.

Rape was just another form of torture.

“Is he even alive?” They were the first words he’d spoken other than varying uses of the word ‘fuck’. Name, rank, service number brought him no comfort.

There were three of them in the room, never less, as if they still thought Cougar to be a threat despite everything.

He was flattered.

They left without answering, his water for the day in a bottle on the other side of the room.

Cougar didn’t even try reach for it.

That night, he heard Jensen’s screaming for the first time and regretted asking.

He should never have fucking come.

He’d never have been involved if he’d not followed Jensen like a lovesick fucking puppy. He’d be with Clay and the others, worried out of his mind, and Jensen would probably be dead.

They’d both have been free.

He didn’t know what had happened to Wade.

Thinking about all the way he could have died became one of his favorite pastimes.

It was a day, maybe two, after day thirty-nine when Roque blew the door of his prison off its hinges.

“Fuck.” He breathed, looking horrified; as if Cougar was something disgusting and terrifying, huddled in the corner like a scared fucking child. “Cougs? Shit, Colonel, I’ve found him.”

The cuffs on Cougar’s wrists had practically fused themselves to his skin, and they peeled a layer off when Roque removed them.

Cougar didn’t feel a thing.

“Jensen?” He asked, squinting at the bright light that shone from the doorway.

Roque’s jaw was tight when he answered. “Clay’s got him.”

He wanted to take Roque’s word for it, but he couldn’t. He needed to see Jensen for it to be real.

Needed to hold him and touch his smile and tell him that he hated him and he loved him, and no one would ever fucking touch him again.

He refused to let Roque carry him out of the room.

He left upright, on his own two feet, even if they weren’t carrying much of his weight. Roque’s arm around his back was solid and strong, holding him firm.

The sun made his eyes bleed.


But they hurt more than any other part of him.

“Cougar!” Pooch looked like he was going to cry. He probably wouldn’t be alone; Cougar felt like bawling his fucking eyes out. He would if he had the moisture in his body left to spare.

Clay had Jensen in his lap. If Cougar looked even half as bad as Jensen, Roque’s look of horror didn’t seem so unnecessary.

“Cougs.” Clay looked at him like a father who’d realized he’d let his kid down. He looked half broken, half feral. He followed Cougar’s gaze to Jensen. “He’s alive.”

Roque helped him closer and let go when Cougar slid to his knees.

He pressed his face against Jensen’s bloody neck, felt his heartbeat weak and erratic against his skin, and let the darkness pull him under.

D: You can't leave it there!! You wouldn't want to be responsible for the injuries I get flailing!!

Never! I have seen some horrific flail-related injuries and I'm not sure my insurance can handle the premium! I should probably continue then... :p

Thanks for reading.

Oh god. I - I have to go cry now, but this - Wow. Ow.
Quite literally stunning!

I didn't mean to make you cry! :( Sorry.

Thank you so much for reading, though.

D: D: D: D: D: You are a horrible, horrible person.

Please don't stop<33

I know. I feel so bad...but I can't help myself.

Things will continue :)

Thanks for reading.

Poor boys, you are putting them through their paces, huh?
I love the way you change scenes.

I'm a terrible person, it is true. :(

Thank you!

*sob!!* Oh please continue!! This is soo great!! :D

I shall do, don't worry :)

Thanks for reading.

I am utterly speechless, and teary, and gleeful. This may make me a bad person. I love this!

If you are a bad person, you are in good company :D

Thank you so much for reading.

OMG, this awesome and heart wrenching! You made me cry!

More Please!


I mean....I'm sorry :( Really.

I promise to fix it!

JeSUS!!! What a compelling read!

OMG! you are killing me here, woman)))

Sorry! Sorry! I'll fix it. Or, you know...try...

I hate you, I love you, I want to kill you and I can't wait for more.

This fandom has messed me up sooo much, but it's sooooo WORTH IT

Mission accomplished, then! :D

This is my first 'real' fandom, so I'm really rather excited by the whole process, even if it is making me a mean, kitten kicking person! :D

Thanks for reading.

*high pitch noise that has no spelling, grammatically or phonetically*

Ten minutes later....

*still at it*

There was like two five inches of random keyboard typing because, OMFG!

The grittiness and the debasement and the way Cougar is trying to push it all away as 'just torture'! And then Jensen keeping him alive and making him hate his blonde and just -just -


NO, what a minute -

*look of awe*

You rule like Cougar.......

*returns to making high pitch noise that has no spelling, grammatically or phonetically, at the awesomeness that is this series*

I rule like Cougar?!

That has to be the biggest compliment EVER! Thank you! :D That's my ego fluffed for the day :D

Thanks so much for reading!

(Deleted comment)
He is, isn't he? Poor boy. I feel like a kid with a magnifying glass about to torture a lame ant - so very fucking mean :(

But I give him a Jensen of his own, so that makes it a little better, yes?

Thank you so much! Hope you continue to enjoy.

Really great fic- not that i'm surprised - you're my fav. writer in this fandom ;D

Gosh, thank you! I am so flattered!
I really am thrilled you are enjoying the series!


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