There's so many different worlds

So many different suns

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Jensen's crosbow
Title: Blue
Pairing: Cougar/Jensen
Rating: R
Summary: When Cougar had been locked in that room with a body at his feet and the darkness all around, he’d forgotten what the sky looked like.
Disclaimer: Not mine, borrowed!
Warnings: Violence, strong language & disturbing imagery. PTSD. Non graphic discusion of rape.
Notes: Follows His, Now I lay me down to sleep, Useful, Better dead, Not even close, Going to ground and Talk

They were at a halfway house in New Mexico, ready to fly commercial to Colorado for stand down. Pooch was psyched, and Roque lost the edge of his temper, and even Clay looked like he needed the break.

Cougar was quietly worrying, but that was nothing new.

Jensen crawled into bed after brushing his teeth, talk of the first, proper American food they’d eat as soon as they touched down the last conversation of the night.

He went to sleep, and just didn’t wake up the next morning.

They all thought he was faking it at first. Jensen was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a deep sleeper. Not since…

Pooch jumping up and down on the bed should have woken him, same with the water Roque dumped on his head.

If nothing else, Jensen respected and feared Clay enough to jump when fucking ordered to jump.

Nothing. Not even so much as a twitch.

He was still breathing, which was the only reason Cougar hadn’t eaten a bullet.

The flight was cancelled.

They hauled Jensen to the ER. Bullet wounds and blood they could handle, this, not so much.

Cougar considered shooting one of the nurses who rushed along Jensen’s side, just to make it clear what the others could expect if they didn’t fucking fix him.

The doctors had no fucking clue what was wrong.

Two days later, Jensen was still dead to the world.

“He’s not sleeping.” One doctor, younger than Jensen and not half as attractive, shook his head hopelessly.

“Of course he’s not fucking sleeping!” Clay yelled, too used to getting answers the second he demanded them to know how to handle the uncertainty of something so alien to them all. “He’d have broken your face the second you started stabbing him with all those goddamn needles.”

Jensen couldn’t stand being touched in his sleep – unless it was Cougar. The others all knew better than to even try, and it wasn’t as if they ever had problems waking him up.

Jensen slept less than any of them.

It was a week before they got any answers. Jolene came to them, her hand in Pooch’s most of the day, and her cool, calm presence enough of a balm to stop them all doing something that would get them barred from the building.

Another doctor arrived. Another fucking specialist.

This one walked right up to Clay and said “My name is Ryan Carr. I’m Jake’s psychiatrist.”

Not that kind of doctor, then.

“There is nothing medically wrong with him.” Carr explained. They all sat around their cups of cold coffee, watching the old man with distrusting eyes.

Cougar didn’t even know Jensen had a fucking shrink – at least one that wasn’t military – and from the looks of it, neither did Clay.

“Has this happened before?” God bless Jolene, smarter than the rest of them put together.

“Yes.” Carr said. “When he was younger.”

“There are no pre-existing conditions in his file.” Clay said. He would know. Clay knew more about all of them than Cougar was sometimes comfortable with. If he didn’t trust Clay so damn much, it would bother him even more.

“Jake has one of the highest recorded IQs in the country, and he’s also, as I am sure you have noticed, prone to bouts of extreme hyperactivity.”

“He has ADHD?” Jolene asked.

Wasn’t that a kid thing?

“No, but,” Carr stopped and regrouped. “Think of a computer –“

They all shared looks. Jensen obviously had a kindred spirit in this one.

“-the more it tries to do, the more the fan has to work to cool the processor – and the louder it sounds. Jake’s methods of concentration are highly unusual, but they are essentially the fans that keep his brain from overheating. This is not a medical condition, merely a psychological side effect of the very thing that make Jake such a useful military asset. He’s been unable to maintain his usual coping mechanisms, and his system is rebooting.”

Okay, Cougar actually understood that. Jensen had said similar himself in the past.

He said he was scared of going crazy. Cougar wasn’t sure this was a better alternative.

They took turns sitting with him.

Cougar stayed with him most nights, and slept during the day. He knew nights were the worst.

Mi cielo. In his head, that’s what he secretly called Jensen.

When Cougar had been locked in that room with a body at his feet and the darkness all around, he’d forgotten what the sky looked like.

Then he’d imagined that it was the same color as Jensen’s eyes.

“Is he going to wake up, or not?” That was the only question Clay had asked for a week.

And the only answer he’d gotten was “Maybe.”

Cougar made it another three days before locked the door to Jensen’s room and screamed at him – the most and the loudest he’d spoken in fucking forever.

Two more before he broke down and begged.

Jensen woke up a day after that, on Clay’s watch.

He had no idea what had happened, and asked if they were going to be late for their flight.

Clay ripped him a dozen new ones for not taking better care of himself, but he was more contained than Roque, who quite seriously threatened to kill him if he slept through another fortnight again.

Jensen spent an hour stammering apologies to Jolene. When she and Pooch finally got to go on their long overdue vacation, he called, wanting to know how their flights, hotel and car reservations had all mysteriously been upgraded, free of charge.

They parted ways when Jensen was released from hospital. The staff were probably glad to see the backs of them.

Roque and Clay went East.

Cougar and Jensen went West.

Cabo san Lucas, Casa del Mar Hotel.

Cougar doused Jensen with sunscreen, shoved a baseball bat on his head, and dragged him to the beach.

“Don’t you fucking think of moving.” He growled. Jensen would sit and fucking stay there until he stopped looking so goddamn pale.

“You gonna bring me one of those cocktails with little umbrellas?” Jensen teased, happy enough to lounge on the sand under the sun.

The Sea of Cortez was almost the same color as his eyes.

Cougar found the biggest fuck off cocktail in the city. It had seven fucking umbrellas and two honest to god sparklers.

And apparently a shit ton of alcohol.

Jensen didn’t stop laughing until he was wasted, and then he started giggling.

Jensen bought him a bright pink lei.

Cougar wore it just to spite him.

It came out in the middle of conversation.

Batman’s way cooler than Spiderman; geese teeth, fucking freaky; Firefly was better than the Bible; Pistachio is not a legitimate flavor of ice-cream, freak; they fucked me; Elektra could kick Susan Storm’s skinny blond ass; you ever wanted to surf? I did, but I have no fucking balance for it.

Cougar just took it all, made the violence in his heart stay quiet, and said: “Me too.”

Jensen picked up a postcard with the words ‘Just another shitty day in Paradise’ stamped over a beautiful sunset. They sent it to Roque, who responded by text with a string of ‘fuck you, assholes’.

One bed in the hotel room.

It hadn’t even occurred to them to ask for two.

“I really want to kiss you, and I think you want to kiss me. I’m like ninety eight percent certain you do. But I might freak out, so if I do, it’s like nothing personal and if I throw up again then it is totally the shellfish and not that I find the idea of having sex with you nauseating. Because I don’t. Find it, I mean. So yes. Kissing now. Consider yourself forewarned.”

Cougar stayed perfectly still, and let his target come to him.

Jensen didn’t freak out.

The kiss went well, so his response was to bounce around the room cheering.

Cougar had never had that response before.

His ego was totally okay with it.

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Oh. Boys. My poor, sweet, tarnished boys. ^^ I love how in the course of this series, Cougar has gone from being possessive to protective. He's still a bit possessive, but it's not quite as harsh anymore. Now he just wants Jensen to be safe and happy. He's become loving (in his own Cougar way) and it's beautiful.

I love you, and I love these stories. ^_^

so at the beginning of the chapter i was all 8O

and then Jensen got better and I was all :)

and then they were on the beach, and there were cocktails and kisses and annoying Roque, adnd then I was all :D

was a good read!

So, I've been meaning to read this little series for the longest time and I finally got 'round to doing it.

GAH. SO good. I love my broken boys so much.

Mi cielo. In his head, that’s what he secretly called Jensen.

When Cougar had been locked in that room with a body at his feet and the darkness all around, he’d forgotten what the sky looked like.

Then he’d imagined that it was the same color as Jensen’s eyes.

That whole section just killed me. Mi cielo is quite possibly my favourite term of endearment ever, on top of everything else.

Such an amazing series.

Loved this addition. And this right here made me laugh because it's so Cougar:

Cougar considered shooting one of the nurses who rushed along Jensen’s side, just to make it clear what the others could expect if they didn’t fucking fix him.

I bet Cougar was out of his mind and the line about him eating a bullet. Awww, poor broken men that only want to be with the other broken men.

This series is incredible. I have loved reading through it and the progression is bang-on brilliant. Poor Cougar and Jensen. I am truly looking forward to where you take them next :)

All the rage that was building because I missed my guild's first kill of Halion on 25man was washed away when I found this little fic waiting for me when the power finally came back on after 12 hours.

So beautiful, and so simple. This series always makes my chest hurt a little bit, but overall I just want to pull both Jensen and Cougar into a huge hug and just... squeeze until everything is better.

♥ this so much.

CONTACT! \O/ it's so Jensen to just slip that into normal conversation.

I am more addicted to this than I am to coffee, and I drink 2 pots a day.

Jensen *would* do a victory dance, wouldn't he?

Hands down, Electra would kick Susan Storm's ass.

Funny how the only person with the patience to catch that statement puts up with the speaker of said lengthy statements. They're a testament to opposite attracting, or are they more alike than they think?

Absolute love for this series, the way it is written, and the overall analysis of these two war torn souls. (even though I'll argue the pistachio line)

Your writting is truly awesome! I´m enjoying this A LOT and can´t wait for the next installment. Hope you don´t mind that I friended you?

I also enjoy your wriTing :P

That was pure love and a joy to read so early in the morning. Thank you!

Poor Cougar, having to deal with Jensen undergoing pseudo-comatose.

I could so imagine the cocktail, the card and the lei. And Jensen's reaction to the kiss. After the first almost-kiss, Cougar's ego probably needed it.

I've just managed to catch up with this series, and oh man, it is terrific!! I had put it off because of the warnings, and I'm really glad that I came back to it! It's very awesome -- I especially love how there are no magic answers. And I love that none of the team gets short shrift, even though the focus is on Jensen and Cougar. Just a really great series!

Okay, so now I'm even more unhappy with sinus headache I woke up with Monday because I missed this! Brilliant chapter. Poor Cougar having to sit around and wait for Jensen to wake up...can imagine that being a sniper he's had to wait longer for a target, but patience would go right out the window with Jensen not waking up. Good that they somewhat talked. At least they sort of admitted what happened to them, or at least the important bit of what happened. And yay! they finally were able to kiss. That's an important first step.

I've just caught up with this fic and I find it absolutely brilliant. It's one of the best fanfictions I've ever read, not only in this fandom but in general.
I especially like your realistic portrayal of the aftermath of sexual abuse, that sex after having been raped is the last thing you would want to do for a long time.
It's really a fantastic work :)

The kiss went well, so his response was to bounce around the room cheering.

That made me grin so hard!

*sigh of relief* Dear sweet Jesus, thank God. I admit to a bit of panic while reading this one.



I'm the newest convert to the the religion of you.

And I know I'm probably reading all your shit completely out of order but fuck if I'm too bothered by it because it's all fucking brilliant and perfect regardless.

You're officially the best reason I got into this fandom. Second only to Jensen and Cougar.

But it's a goddamn close second. Debatable, even. Like we could watch the tape back to see who really crossed the finish line first and things would get nasty.

Having a hard time stopping long enough to comment. Hope there are lots more of these to come! :D

Ah, man. Terrifying! And heartbreaking. And his worst 'thing' just spilling out along with all the rest, trying to drown it in a torrent of words.
*sniffles hard*

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